The Raucous Shriek of the Alarm Clock
The raucous shriek of the alarm clock forcefully pulled me out of my much needed peaceful sleep. I opened my sticky, heavy eyes slowly. The early morning sunlight peeked through the bottom of my window’s curtains as if to softly greet ‘good morning’. unceasingly assaulted my ears, I groaned, shut the alarm clock up, unwillingly rolled out of my bed and shivered as my bare feet made contact with the ice-cold marble floor.
The Dreaded Reflection
I sighed as I dreadfully examined my reflection on the full-body mirror from one angle to
another, checking for any slight size increase the food from the night before might’ve caused. My mind was always preoccupied with this same issue every morning. That’s why I was afraid of the
The Mirror's Power
Mirror. She’s everywhere—in my room, my bathroom, in cars, in school, on windows and glass
doors. She’s like the Evil Queen’s Magic Mirror, but instead of showing me who was the fairest of
them all, she showed me the foulest of them all.
Fear of Inferiority
“Famed are slim beauties. But hold, an unsightly stout I see. Silk cannot hide thy appalling
shape. Alas, none are more foul than thee,” she said.
Seeking Approval
I feared the Mirror, who made me feel inferior. However, I couldn’t help trying to get her
approval. I thought if I could just please her, make her proud of me, I could finally break free from
the desolating space she confined me in.
The Interruption
“Mel! Hurry! You’re gonna be late!” my dad’s voice echoed into my room, pulling me out of
thoughts before I dwell in too deep.
Time to Move It
My head turned to the (now silent) clock.
Seven-fifteen. Okay. Time to move it and stop pondering for a bit.
The Soothing Shower
I quickly took off my clothes and went in the shower. It’s a little funny how I was extremely
uncomfortable standing in front of a mirror in full clothing, but found being completely naked in
the shower soothing. It might’ve been the hot water softly pounding down on my torso, as if it’s
giving me a massage, washing away my concerns, too, while it was at it.
An Invitation to Breakfast
As I button down my school uniform shirt—which had become way too oversized at that point—I heard my shout from downstairs.
“Mel? Come down, I’ve made your breakfast!”
The Lunchtime Struggle
Goosebumps travelled up my arms and down my spine, as she finished her sentence.
Throughout the classes, my mind would wander around thinking about lunch. Focusing on what my teacher said was indeed very difficult at times, but for some reason I just couldn’t stop thinking about eating food. I kept trying to find a way to skip lunch altogether. If I could just avoid eating so much, I wouldn’t have to feel guilty and do excessive exercises after school. The big question was how I going to avoid eating with my friends around. Lately, my friends have started commenting about my thinning appearance and they would get me to eat. I have to be honest, hearing comments like “Mel, you’ve been looking very unhealthy lately, I think you’ve gone too skinny” and “Mel, you have to eat more” was a compliment. It really reinvigorated and motivated me to lose more weight.
Seeking Distractions
I spent the lunch hour strolling around school; the voice in my head praised me and tried convincing me to walk out for another mile. The alarming sound of the school bell rang, telling me that it’s time to go back to class. I made it back to class and drank a glass of low fat milk to help me make it through the rest of the evening. My head started to feel dizzy and lightheaded.
The Pain in My Stomach
My afternoon class went over quickly. I arrived home, starving. My stomach started to rumble and my body itself knows that I needed to eat. For a second, the voice inside my head stopped due to the pain in my stomach and I went downstairs and ate anything lying on the dining table. After eating, tears of regret and shame dropped from my eyes with my conscience condemning me. After an hour of crying out of guilt and regret, I resolve that the next day will be a good day if I could just simply skip any meal of the day.
The Journey to Recovery
That is how my journey to recovery began. It is evident that admission of the problem and discussion around eating disorder is stigmatized. Over time, I developed an easier relationship with food even though I struggled with occasional bouts of depression. I started observing a healthy diet of fruits and low calories and fat foods. I also started going to the gym every day for two hours to boost my physical activity levels. As I became much healthier, I started becoming more confident which pushed me into trying volleyball as a sport due to my interest. In the course of my recovery, I started sharing my gradual success with other people with eating disorders.
