The Rise of Violence Among American Youths
The writer makes a substantial argument that ascertains the rise of violence among American youths. It is commendable how he/she gives statistics in actual figures to validate the argument. By reading the introductory paragraph alone, the reader discerns the main subject of the text is the relationship between video games and the outcome of violence. Clearly, the essay is negating the ideology that video games have a positive link to violence. Instead, the text directs that such fun activities are external factors that seem far related to violence as compared to more instinctive aspects of mental health, past history, and parental upbringing.
The Thesis Statement
The thesis of the essay appears clearly in the last sentence of the first paragraph. It informs the reader on what to expect in the consequent paragraph. However, I think it would have been better for the writer to be a little more informative to enhance a clear understanding. Different audience have different levels of understanding. Some require a more detailed explanation of everything in a text. For instance, the writer should have started the statement by saying, “This paper/text tends to diagnose the causes of violence among the youths by focusing on personal factors such as previous life history, mental health/psychology, and parental upbringing."
Body Structure and Confusion
The audience can decipher from the thesis that the author intends to discuss three main points: previous life history, mental health, and parental upbringing. However, the body structure of the essay gives confusion as there are no topic sentences for each paragraph to address these claimed causes. Rather, the student concentrates more on explaining the impact of the media coverage on violence, an aspect that does not bring out the stated points clearly. However, there is a detailed discussion of the same issues in the second-to-last paragraph when the essay is about to end. Although there is a good argument, there is a need to align the points in the form of paragraphs to agree with the thesis statement.
Logical Flow and Point Development
As mentioned above, the writer needs to detail the main points mentioned in the thesis statement. There should be a logical flow of the first point in the paragraph that appears just before the introduction. All other points should follow suit, each appearing in an independent paragraph. It is essential to show a logical flow by making a smooth connection from one paragraph to the next. For instance, in the second paragraph, the writer concentrates on giving the reasons why people believe that video games cause violence. In my opinion, he/she should have made a strong argument using one of the points such as past history or parental upbringing. In this way, the audience can automatically agree that video games do not necessarily cause violence as do other aspects.
Grammatical Errors
Among the issues noted in the paragraphs is that there are various grammatical errors that should be corrected. For instance, the writer uses "hasn't" instead of "has not," violence "in youth" in the place of "among youth." It is essential to read the essay time and again to correct such minor mistakes.
In-text Citations and References
Lastly, it is commendable how the author uses a number of sources and cites them in the text. There is also a list of references at the end of the paper. However, it is critical to indicate the date, page, or both in the in-text citations. Such is essential as it is mandatory when making follow-ups in the future. It also gives ample time to readers who want to confirm or read more on the point made in a paragraph.
