The purpose and audience of the essay’s draft are primarily for young people to use more traditional techniques to communicate with older people. I think the writer does a very good job by helping the audience understand that a letter would be more effective and more meaningful to senior people. What I think the author does not do enough of is to engage the audience into understanding that by connecting with older people through letters, it is also good for them and answering the question: “what is in it for them?” The author focuses more on how it would benefit the senior person, which may not be the most effective way of promoting the change he or she wants. Although I do think the author does a good job, I believe the author could do more to engage young people to have a more effective impact on their audience. In summary, the purpose of the essay is to illustrate the benefits of letters as compared to Emails. It tells the emotions attached with letters. The audiences are the young generation. The computer-savvy generation has forgotten the old methods of emails. It narrates those. No need for revision.
Thesis statement, topic sentences, and paragraphs
The thesis statement of the draft is clear. The author states it in the first line where he feels that letters are better than email for communicating with older people. He does this well and fills his draft with a number of strong examples, talking about crayons and pictures, as well as the power of paper. The author does do a good job to state his thesis. I am persuaded by the author’s thesis. It is therefore clear that there are no paragraphs in the essay. The sentences are simple. The grammar is easy. There should be more paragraphs.
Evidence
The author has provided enough evidence for the draft. He discusses that grandparents are more from the generation where they are used to paper and he does not need to go into a lot of detail to express this. He discusses crayons and pictures and how an older person can see how the younger person’s writing has changed over the years. He also uses powerful statements such as saying that “by holding the paper” it is almost like holding the person who has written it. He or she uses a lot of good examples and/or evidence. Yes, the author uses strong evidence to support their thesis. In a nutshell, there is no real life evidence or examples. The essay is not narrative. Any evidence could have been given.
Organization
The author is fairly well organized in their presentation of their draft. It is a draft so it could be organized better. The thesis statement at the beginning could be expanded on so the reader does not get the impression from the first sentence that this is only an essay concerning emails and letters. It takes more time for the reader to read further into the essay to understand exactly what the author is getting it. It could be organized better. In a nutshell, the essay is well organized. In the first paragraph, email and letter are compared. In the second paragraph, emotions related to letters are given. In the last few lines, the importance of the letter is shown.
