Using sociologist John Alan Lee's love styles
Using sociologist John Alan Lee's love styles (refer to pages 261- 263 of Intimate Relationships, and pay special attention to Table 8.7 'Styles of Loving' found on the top of page 262) from chapter eight of "Intimate Relationships", what is the predominant love style for most of the characters presented in the book, Confusing Love with Obsession.
Predominant love style: Mania
According to John Alan Lee’s love styles, the predominant love style for most characters in this book is the mania style. Mania style represents a demanding, possessive and excitable lover. The lover is full of vivid fantasy and obsession (Miller, 2014). Many characters who are overly controlling portray this love style. Most characters in Moore’s Confusing Love with Obsession confuse love with obsession. People in mania love style tend to control their relationship with the other person so that they can have total control over their love. Monitoring an individual to alter the love they have for you tend to cause a rift in many relationships. The love turns into an obsession, and as a result, the partner is pushed away. Different stories told in Confusing Love with Obsession portray possessiveness where many characters need to be with their lovers and no one else. In chapter one, a woman who did anything she could to keep her husband portrays mania style and the need to be in control. Chapter six has different stories of people with vivid fantasies concerning cheating. Despite lacking enough evidence concerning their cheating partners, these people had their minds fixed on cheating. They also felt helpless since they did not do anything that would anger or push their partners away. Nancy had set her mind that her husband was cheating since he went on a trip and failed to invite her. Nancy goes crazy as she investigates his possession to get evidence that her husband was cheating. Nancy avoids doing anything that is likely to drive her husband away. Instead, she is trying to validate her beliefs by investigating her husband’s possession. Nancy finds out what she already discovered to be true but was not willing to discuss it with her husband. In a relationship, if an individual feels like there is something endangering their love, the most likely action is discussing it with their partner. If the couple fails to agree, then they can opt to end the relationship. However, the cases of Nancy and the different stories narrated by the author are different. Nancy chooses to trust her instincts and prove them silently since she was obsessed and did not want to lose her lover.
What character if any did you identify with most from the book?
Sam and Randy
After reading Confusing Love with Obsession by John Moore, I have a story, which I can relate to Sam and Randy in chapter seven. My longtime friend, Erick had the same experience as Sam and Randy. While on a military mission in Italy, he met a girl named Diana and dated for about a year. According to how Erick used to describe their relationship, one could think they had the best relationship in the whole universe. After completing his mission in Italy, Erick opted to come back to America together with Diana. Erick and Diana never portrayed any problem in public and were good with everyone. Diana would frequently call to ask how he was doing. Whenever Erick failed to answer her call, Diana would call me demanding to know where Erick was and why he was unable to pick her call. Erick assured me that everything was okay with their relationship and opted to change the topic whenever an individual asked about her lover. The frequent calls started making Erick switch off his phone frequently. The issue affected Erick to the extent that he would no longer receive a call from new numbers. Erick would miss essential work calls, and leadership got concerned. The manager would call him to his office insisting on knowing whether everything was okay with Erick’s relationship. After about three months of discomfort and strange behaviors, Erick approached me requesting for help. He claimed that lately he was becoming upset and trying not to upset her lover. Erick stated that sometimes he was forced to apologize for mistakes not done to avoid angering his partner. He felt like he was walking on eggshells trying to maintain his relationship. His attempts to end the relationship had failed to bear fruits since Diana was not willing to leave him. However, after Erick complained numerously about being fed up with the relationship, Diana unwillingly stopped involving herself with his life. Here, Erick promised to be careful about his relationship in future relationships. The case of Erick portrays obsession in place of love.
Briefly outline the characteristics of the Obsessive Love Wheel at each stage of the wheel.
Attraction Phase
According to John Moore, love is an unending cycle. There are four phases of Obsessive Relational Progression (ORP), and each stage is characterized by its unique behaviors (Moore, 2006). The obsessive love wheel portrays that immediately an unhealthy attachment to another person starts, the person confusing love for obsession may lose emotional control. The love wheel turns round and round as the relationship continues. Sometimes, the wheel tends to turn quickly or slowly. The four phases are attraction, anxious, obsessive and destructive phases. The attraction phase is the initial phase of Obsessive Relational Progression characterized by an overwhelming attraction to the other person. The relationally dependent person at this stage becomes hooked on a romantic interest usually due to the slightest attention they acquire from the person they are attracted. During this phase, the common behaviors include unrealistic fantasies about a relationship and assigning magical qualities to the person of affection. Additionally, an instant attraction to romantic interest is portrayed once they meet for the first time. Attraction phase is also depicted by focusing on the physical characteristics and being hooked on the look. Here an individual opts to ignore personality differences and obsessive, controlling behaviors start to manifest.
Anxious Phase
The second phase of Obsessive Relational Progression is the anxious phase. This phase is a relational turning point for both parties since they begin to make commitments. The obsessive, controlling behavior escalate at this phase. The afflicted party makes an illusion of intimacy despite the other party’s true feelings. Some of the commonly demonstrated behaviors in this phase include an overwhelming fear of abandonment and thoughts of the partner opting to walk out of the relationship in favour of another person. In this phase, the parties keep on tracking and demanding accountability for daily activities and re-emerging thoughts of infidelity. In this phase, the afflicted party has the urge to be in contact with their partner. Constant calls, emails and meetings are evident. An intense feeling of mistrust leading to relational tension, depression and resentment begin to appear.
Obsessive Phase
The third phase of Obsessive Relational Progression is the obsessive phase. This phase includes a rapid escalation of the unhealthy attachment style. Here, the obsessive, controlling behavior reach a breaking point. The party under control starts to pull back and eventually severs the relationship. Extreme anxiety is evident in the controlling party. Some of the typical characteristics of this phase include neurotic, compulsive behaviors such as rapid phone calls to the partner’s place of residence or work. The relationally dependent person also tends to have unfounded accusations of cheating resulting from the extreme anxiety. The relationally dependent person keeps on thinking about a love interest and demands constant attention. The relationally dependent person also exercises physical and electronic monitoring and keeps on following their love interest’s whereabouts. The relationally dependent person tends to make frequent drive-bys around their love interest to ensure that they are where they are supposed to be. The relationally dependent person employs numerous control tactics such as guilt trips to manipulate a love interest and attract more attention.
Destructive Phase
The fourth phase of Obsessive Relational Progression is the destructive phase. This phase represents the results of destructive behaviors portrayed in the third phase. The love interest ends up fleeing leaving the relationally dependent person in an overwhelming feeling of depression. The common characteristics of this phase include a sudden loss of self-esteem due to the collapse of the relationship. The relationally dependent person keeps on blaming himself or herself and at times portray self-hatred. The person may also engage in drugs, sex or abnormal eating habits as a way of medicating the emotional pain. The relationally dependent person may tend to win back their love interest promising to change their behavior. In some cases, the relationally dependent person is overwhelmed with anger and seeks to revenge against their love interest for ending the relationship. The Obsessive Love Wheel keeps on turning, and the Obsessive Relational Progression does not get better on its own. Instead, people keep on jumping into new relationships.
After reading the book, what knowledge did you gain about love addiction?
After reading Confusing Love with Obsession, I learnt much about love addiction. The book acted as a revelation since I had little knowledge about love addiction and many people with addictions and obsessions. The excruciating real-life stories and personal experiences employed by John Moore facilitate an understanding of obsessive relationships. As a result, I developed a new self-awareness concerning a healthy relationship that is free from preoccupation with an object of obsession. Many activities and happenings taking place in relationships symbolize specific information concerning both parties and phase about the Obsessive Love Wheel. After reading the book, I acquired an understanding about coaddictions. People feel like they cannot live without these addictions and these coaddictions in turn affect their relationships. This book has also taught me the different happenings people undergo to mold their relationships. It serves as a reflection of how my past life may interfere with making relationships and marriage life. Confusing Love with Obsession teaches that seeking advice from significant others can help better one’s relationship especially when it comes to dealing with inner problems arising in a relationship. The Obsession Love Wheel has taught me the different stages undergone by many relationships. The characteristics described for every phase serves as a scale necessary to classify relationships. Knowledge acquired from this book aids me to view relationships from a different point of view and to be able to advise people on how their experiences affect their relationships.
References
Miller, R. (2014). Intimate Relationships, 7th Edition. [Vitalsource]. Retrieved from https://online.vitalsource.com/#/books/1260197549/.
Moore, J. D. (2006). Confusing Love with Obsession: When Being in Love Means Being in Control. Center City, MN: Hazelden.
