How to Talk About My Child

I understand why you might be anxious about your child's future. We all have these thoughts from time to time, particularly if you've noticed that your child seems unmotivated or disrespectful at school or in social situations. But this isn't the right way to think, and it can be harmful.

Instead, focus on today and what is happening in your child's life right now. Then, take your concerns about his future one step at a time and do your best to fix the issues that are currently bothering him.

Start by asking him questions that encourage him to talk. Avoid negative questions, like "You look sad?" or "You're so mean to that girl."

Ask him about the day in positive ways. Share your own experiences to show him that you know what it's like to be a kid.

Help him develop high internal self-worth by demonstrating that he is valuable for his qualities as a person, not just for his talents or the number of friends he has. This will come through experience, and he can work toward it over time through competence, resilience and optimism (the three key markers of self-esteem).

Give him tools for stopping unkind behavior so that you don't have to intervene every time he says something mean or behaves badly. You could create a special cue word, like Brian's “banana-brain,” that he will say to himself when he feels the urge to do something unkind, so that he can pause and think about how it makes him feel.

Have regular times of daily connection and communication with your child, both face-to-face and through other means, such as leaving notes in his lunch bag or posting a message on your phone. These times will help him to know that you care about his well-being and will make him less likely to act out in negative ways.

You may also want to consider having some "spare" conversation moments, when you're not in a hurry, like during dinner or while riding the bus. This will help you and your child get to know each other more and build trust. This is especially important for kids with learning disabilities or other social issues, who often have a harder time communicating with others.

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